Saturday December 10

THE REFLECTION

Journal Entry from April 1998

My journey has been long and at times tiring,

May face wears the marks of travel,

The dust of the road mingled with the sweat of my brow.

Caught a glimpse today of myself, my reflection in a roadside pool of water,

The sight of the wear of the journey took me by surprise,

At once I realized the changes that time and travel have brought.

How well I remember how it was when I first began on my journey,

My face filled with fresh excitement, my feet swift with momentum,

The heart could contain no more desire to make the journey a grand success.

I was so thrilled to have been called, accepted, anointed, commissioned,

Just doing the Will of the Father was all I wanted to do.

How painful the first disappointment.

How well I remember that ache when the reality of the injury,

A careless word and act by uncaring individuals, hit home.

I didn’t start this journey with thoughts of pain and struggle.

My only vision was that of power, zeal, and purpose.

My heart broke into, my spirit nearly failed,

When others who traveled with me, slipped, collapsed, fell.

My mind ran wild with questions, my heart trembled with fear,

Wondering “if they couldn’t make it, how will I?”

I esteemed their strength and ability more than mine.

Their calling and anointing was something I had sought to emulate.

The next few steps on the road were so very difficult.

Still pulling on me was my desire to do the Father’s perfect Will,

Yet, the devastation of their defeat overwhelmed me.

Questions, my God, didn’t I have questions.

You know me, I always wanted to know what was going on,

Especially when you were not explaining the “whys”.

Through my pain, I did not see the oasis of ministry and healing

You had planned in my life.

Giants, legends, heros, stopped by my convalescent oasis

To minister the healing to the hurts, to bind the wounds of my spirit.

Only You could have orchestrated all of that for me.

Before I was confident that I was ready to travel again,

You assured me that You still knew what You were doing,

And the road and the journey resumed in my life.

So quickly the energy, the desire, the excitement returned.

Once again, I believed that I could make a difference.

Once again, I dreamed.  Oh, I dreamed.

Those dreams — Oh, God — do you remember those dreams?

All of the questions had not been answered,

But hope had been restored, My confidence of your being in control!

With this renewed strength, hope, and confidence,

I traveled swiftly - with the dreams of greater things driving me on.

Never would I have confessed that I was so naive to think that pain forsaken me forever.

Yet, looking back, I have to admit that the thought of its return was far from me.

There was so much power — each day brought new blessings from Your hand.

Pain — yeah, I had felt that, but surely that was a chapter closed in my life.

Naive?  A thousand times yes.

Why is it that purpose and pain seem to go hand in hand?

Why is it that power and struggle always seem to come in one package?

I know the bitter sweet taste of trial turned blessing,  

Nightmare turned Morning, and difficulty transformed to triumph.

The Wise Book states “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!”

Looking back, I think I’ve learned what You really meant by that.

Could it mean - just when you think everything is going to be forever grand,

Be careful, don’t let the next trial buckle your knees, and knock you off balance”?

The journey has brought me through dark valleys,

Places where the dearest things in life seemed threatened.

I’ve stood by the bed side with a smile on my face, but a panic in my heart.

Though I spoke the words of calm assurance, my heart screamed “HELP!”

Yet, as You, eternally are, I walked from that place on my journey

With renewed strength, the bitter sweet taste of trial turned blessing in my mouth,

Speaking frequently of how good and merciful You had been again.

By now I should have learned this well.

Why am I still learning?  Better yet, why am I still forgetting?

The loneliest moment in my travel has been when it seemed You were not there.

Panic is too mild of an expression to portray how I felt.

There were no calm words of assurance from my lips.

My entire being, body, heart, spirit, and mind vocalized my terror and questions.

Looking back, I have to admit that in my haste and frustration,

there were things spoken and felt that perhaps would have been better left unsaid.

Thank You for being who You are— and for not being like me.

Thank You for listening to my raging, my incoherent irrational behavior,

Though I never knew exactly where You were,

Looking back, Your presence was very evident.

You just manifested Yourself in ways unfamiliar to me.

Though it seemed the night was eternally unending,

True to Your motis operendi, the morning light broke through again.

Once again trial turned blessing, Nightmare turned Morning,

Difficulty transformed to triumph, Fear gave way to calm assurance,

Questions faded into Gratitude.  Only You.....

The wayside reflection today still alarms me, I have to confess.

Is the heart that heavy, the spirit that ragged, the scars that evident?

Where is that young energetic man I used to be,

With a heart full of desire and my mind filled with dreams ---

Oh God, those dreams!

Okay, God, I’m ready again.  Strip away the plastic from my face,

That false pretense of “me” I seek to portray to those around me.

The thought of Your doing that again, isn’t what I prefer,

But my Spirit is crying out for renewal, restoration, healing.

Wash over my spirit, oh, to God for the purity of the Anointing to cleanse me

From my cynical attitude, my questionable spirit, my distrusting heart,

The callouses that limit my sensitivity, the weariness that drains my strength,

The weights that I have picked up along the way, The thoughts that plague my mind.

Remember how it was when I first began on my journey?

I long to see that face filled with fresh excitement,

The wind in my face as I ran, my feet swift with momentum.

My heart is running too low on the desire to make the journey a grand success.

Thrill me again with the calling, the anointing, Your calling, Your commission,

Wash my eyes so I can see clearly the Will of the Father again.

I’m not complaining about the pain, the disappointments,

Not even about the injuries inflicted by others along the way.

I understand that this journey has it’s share of  pain and struggle.

But this reality cannot strip me of my vision power, zeal, and purpose.

Make me holy again.  Not through rules and commandments,

But make me holy, acceptable, through Your anointing!

Consume my thoughts, purge my spirit, my heart, my attitude.

So fill me with Your presence and assurance and holiness,

That once again I feel that stamp of Your approval,

That once again I dream those dreams again.

Oh, God, those dreams....

Dreams of power, purpose, conquering, victory,

Exploits, promise, the miraculous, the extra-ordinary.

Dreams of sacrifice, surrender, commitment, mission, Commission,

Long nights alone in Your presence listening to Your voice.

You have led me, for many years.  Again I pray,

Lead me in the paths of Righteousness, for Your Name’s sake.

Your Kingdom, Your Righteousness, I place it continually before me.

It is what I will continually seek after.

Your Will,

Your Purpose,

Your Kingdom,

Your Power, and Father, yes, for Your Glory!

Today, I rebuild an old altar.

Today, I place a new sacrifice upon an old commitment.

Already, the vision is returning, I can feel the strength rise anew,

And already I can taste that familiar taste of trial turned blessing.

And, Lord, that’s where You’ve been standing all this time?

What’s that again?  I understand.

This moment is something You’ve been waiting for — for way too long.

Your heart has broken watching me struggle, my weariness, my frustrations.

All the while waiting for me to recognize how desperately I needed You again.

Seems I remember You saying to other travelers on this road

“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.

If anyone hears my voice and opens the door,

I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

If you’ll listen to me, I can give you wealth with eternal purpose,

I will replace you rags, worn and filthy, with white fresh robes of purity,

And I will anoint your eyes with my healing balm so that you can see clearly once more.”

Today those words hit home.  Your priorities, what You value,

Clothe me in purity and new robes of anointing,

Wash my eyes, heal my vision, let the light of Your Spirit shine through the windows of my soul.

Let me see clearly — let me see what once I only dreamed of.

Let me dream once more:

Those dreams, O God, those dreams.