It was from every aspect a pretty typical day. Nothing exceptional had happened. No additional stress than usual. It was just another day.
I was standing in the doorway of my office in the old church in Bossier carrying on a routine conversation, when suddenly without warning it hit me.
Let me regress and admit that I had not been very merciful regarding depression and anxiety. My arrogant attitude was that "a good prayer meeting would fix that". Now, I believe in the importance of and the power of prayer, but I will admit that I was ignorant at the depth of emotion and despair that overwhelms those dealing with depression and anxiety.
So again, on a normal routine day, suddenly I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I've tried to express how this felt, but my words could not convey what an anxiety attack feels like. I did not know what was happening. The only thing I knew to do was to grab my Bible and head to the area where I usually spent my time of private prayer and devotion.
For the next few hours in a darkened Youth Room, I wept, shook, cried out to God for help, and thought I was absolutely losing my mind. Finally the wave of fear and depression lifted enough for me to function again. I exited that room, still shaken, still feeling the weight of depression and fear, still wondering what on earth was happening.
I wish I could say that this was a random one time occurrence, but that was not the case. For the next six months, several times a day, anxiety would seize me, depression and despair overwhelmed me emotionally. All I knew to do when I felt the wave of fear and darkness coming was to run as fast as I could to be alone and pray, scream, cry out to God until the wave eased enough for me to dry my eyes, gain my composure and function somewhat normally again.
There are two distinct things which stand out to me the most about this particular season.
One was the fear that kept me from sharing with anyone what was happening. I would not tell Tammy, for fear she would leave me. I would not tell my Pastor, for fear that he would fire me. I attempted to tell a friend, but when I realized I could not express what was happening where they could understand, I quickly shut down and withdrew back into my dark, frightful shell.
The other thing that I learned from this season is that there were a lot of things that will "preach" that don't work. It may sound good enough to get a response from the pulpit, but when you're struggling for anything to hold onto, they just don't work. Believe me, I tried every "quick fix" I had ever heard preached. I marched around the walls like Joshua, danced like David, and said the Name of Jesus repeatedly in multiples of seven (God's perfect number, you know). And because I had heard someone preach it somewhere, I even had the audacity to remind God of how good I had been. My fear only intensified when these "quick fixes" did not immediately absolve my fear and depression.
Through all of this I kept on doing ministry, including two weeks of LA District Youth Camps. And yes, through all of this, I would smile, act like all was well, only to run and hide and scream and cry when the waves of anxiety and depression would overtake me. I couldn't feel the presence of God in a 50 mile radius when alone. The only time I could sense His presence was when I was doing ministry. And to be honest, this made me mad. I needed HIM. I was screaming for help. But the only time He seemed to manifest Himself to me was when I was ministering to someone else.
When all my quick fixes didn't work, when my religious cliches and punch lines failed me, I was left feeling exposed and vulnerable. Like peeling layers off an onion, the Father stripped me of my facade, and what I saw was nauseating. For years I had shrouded unforgiveness and bitterness and resentment and pride by Spiritual sounding behaviors and even ministry. Issues I thought I had dealt with exposed as just buried, rotten spiritual and emotional gangrene.
At the time I did not know where the thought came from. Looking back I recognize the Father at work.
But I had this idea to start memorizing the Word. So when the waves of anxiety and depression would come, I would run and hide, but instead of cowering in the darkness screaming in fear, I would begin to walk in circles and just quote the Word.
Tomorrow I'll write about the healing chapter. But let me close today by saying that through all of this I learned two major things:
First, the Word will work. That when I don't know what to say or how to pray, when my thoughts are incoherent and yes, when fear and depression seized me, I could begin to speak into my darkness the same creative Word which turned chaos into majesty, and darkness into beauty in Genesis 1. And the Word works. NO, I'm not talking a quick fix. I'm talking healing and restoration. My personal opinion is this is why God took six days to create the worlds. He didn't need six days, but He did so to show us the creative process of His Word.
Second, I learned the Father loves me. That I don't need to impress Him. He sees my private thoughts and attitudes, and while He will faithfully address those areas which frustrate His purpose in me, the truth is that even through this, He is proving how much He loves me.
Amen.
Father, today I thank You for being my Father. I thank You for the power of Your Word. I thank You for not allow me to bury and ignore the issue which will ultimately strip me of my power and rob me of my potential, and that even in the dark, Your presence is there.
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