Today after service our congregation completely surprised me with a 50th Birthday celebration.
Can't believe I'm there. And can't believe they surprised me.
But both are undeniably true.
I am overwhelmed at their kindness and expressions of support and love.
Tammy and I are most blessed to be serving at Oak Park.
Today I say "thank you" to the Father again for blessing us so tremendously.
And I also say "thank you" to our precious church family.
I love you all.
Monday, December 26, 2011
From Saturday December 16
The months seemed eternal. While the attacks seemed to lessen in their longevity, they were still as frequent and still as terrifying. I did not know what was happening, or why, or if or when this season would ever end.
But I did find His Word worked. That when the fear and the depression overwhelmed me, that when I began to quote His Word, speak it out loud with as much confidence I could generate, the attacks would ease and the depression would lift.
However, after six months of relentless attacks, I had reached the end of my proverbial rope.
That Sunday night the choir sang "Daystar", which I sang the solo. I stood behind the grand piano, literally holding onto the piano to keep from collapsing, singing "Lead me, Lord, I'll follow anywhere You open up the door" - but inside I was screaming: God, I can't do this any more. If you don't help me now I don't now what I am going to do.
I wept uncontrollably. The congregation thought I was anointed. They had no clue as to what was actually taking place.
The bad news is that in the next 12 hours I would hit a new low.
The good news is that in that next 12 hours I would also be completely healed and restored.
I would lose control of my anger of people saying things that did not work.
And in my anger, I would find the healing rebuke of the Father revealing yet another area of which I desperately needed to surrender to Him.
And in that moment of surrender, I found healing.
It wasn't at an altar or in a sanctuary. It was behind a lawnmower in my parents' front yard. But as I mowed out my frustrations I found myself enveloped in His presence for the first time in months. I cannot explain how it felt. But I knew I was "home", that though the journey had been long, it was worth the trip. And though I would never ever want to go through that season again, I will readily admit it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I learned that in my flesh there is no good thing (Romans 7:18)
I learned that nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:38-39)
I learned that when I am faithless He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:13)
I learned to stop judging books by their covers - that no matter how things may appear, there is always more to everyone's story than what can be seen on the surface.
And today I express my gratitude for His love, His faithfulness, and for His working all things together for my good
But I did find His Word worked. That when the fear and the depression overwhelmed me, that when I began to quote His Word, speak it out loud with as much confidence I could generate, the attacks would ease and the depression would lift.
However, after six months of relentless attacks, I had reached the end of my proverbial rope.
That Sunday night the choir sang "Daystar", which I sang the solo. I stood behind the grand piano, literally holding onto the piano to keep from collapsing, singing "Lead me, Lord, I'll follow anywhere You open up the door" - but inside I was screaming: God, I can't do this any more. If you don't help me now I don't now what I am going to do.
I wept uncontrollably. The congregation thought I was anointed. They had no clue as to what was actually taking place.
The bad news is that in the next 12 hours I would hit a new low.
The good news is that in that next 12 hours I would also be completely healed and restored.
I would lose control of my anger of people saying things that did not work.
And in my anger, I would find the healing rebuke of the Father revealing yet another area of which I desperately needed to surrender to Him.
And in that moment of surrender, I found healing.
It wasn't at an altar or in a sanctuary. It was behind a lawnmower in my parents' front yard. But as I mowed out my frustrations I found myself enveloped in His presence for the first time in months. I cannot explain how it felt. But I knew I was "home", that though the journey had been long, it was worth the trip. And though I would never ever want to go through that season again, I will readily admit it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I learned that in my flesh there is no good thing (Romans 7:18)
I learned that nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:38-39)
I learned that when I am faithless He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:13)
I learned to stop judging books by their covers - that no matter how things may appear, there is always more to everyone's story than what can be seen on the surface.
And today I express my gratitude for His love, His faithfulness, and for His working all things together for my good
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday December 15
I'm backlogged uploading my journaling. Please forgive me.
It was from every aspect a pretty typical day. Nothing exceptional had happened. No additional stress than usual. It was just another day.
I was standing in the doorway of my office in the old church in Bossier carrying on a routine conversation, when suddenly without warning it hit me.
Let me regress and admit that I had not been very merciful regarding depression and anxiety. My arrogant attitude was that "a good prayer meeting would fix that". Now, I believe in the importance of and the power of prayer, but I will admit that I was ignorant at the depth of emotion and despair that overwhelms those dealing with depression and anxiety.
So again, on a normal routine day, suddenly I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I've tried to express how this felt, but my words could not convey what an anxiety attack feels like. I did not know what was happening. The only thing I knew to do was to grab my Bible and head to the area where I usually spent my time of private prayer and devotion.
For the next few hours in a darkened Youth Room, I wept, shook, cried out to God for help, and thought I was absolutely losing my mind. Finally the wave of fear and depression lifted enough for me to function again. I exited that room, still shaken, still feeling the weight of depression and fear, still wondering what on earth was happening.
I wish I could say that this was a random one time occurrence, but that was not the case. For the next six months, several times a day, anxiety would seize me, depression and despair overwhelmed me emotionally. All I knew to do when I felt the wave of fear and darkness coming was to run as fast as I could to be alone and pray, scream, cry out to God until the wave eased enough for me to dry my eyes, gain my composure and function somewhat normally again.
There are two distinct things which stand out to me the most about this particular season.
One was the fear that kept me from sharing with anyone what was happening. I would not tell Tammy, for fear she would leave me. I would not tell my Pastor, for fear that he would fire me. I attempted to tell a friend, but when I realized I could not express what was happening where they could understand, I quickly shut down and withdrew back into my dark, frightful shell.
The other thing that I learned from this season is that there were a lot of things that will "preach" that don't work. It may sound good enough to get a response from the pulpit, but when you're struggling for anything to hold onto, they just don't work. Believe me, I tried every "quick fix" I had ever heard preached. I marched around the walls like Joshua, danced like David, and said the Name of Jesus repeatedly in multiples of seven (God's perfect number, you know). And because I had heard someone preach it somewhere, I even had the audacity to remind God of how good I had been. My fear only intensified when these "quick fixes" did not immediately absolve my fear and depression.
Through all of this I kept on doing ministry, including two weeks of LA District Youth Camps. And yes, through all of this, I would smile, act like all was well, only to run and hide and scream and cry when the waves of anxiety and depression would overtake me. I couldn't feel the presence of God in a 50 mile radius when alone. The only time I could sense His presence was when I was doing ministry. And to be honest, this made me mad. I needed HIM. I was screaming for help. But the only time He seemed to manifest Himself to me was when I was ministering to someone else.
When all my quick fixes didn't work, when my religious cliches and punch lines failed me, I was left feeling exposed and vulnerable. Like peeling layers off an onion, the Father stripped me of my facade, and what I saw was nauseating. For years I had shrouded unforgiveness and bitterness and resentment and pride by Spiritual sounding behaviors and even ministry. Issues I thought I had dealt with exposed as just buried, rotten spiritual and emotional gangrene.
At the time I did not know where the thought came from. Looking back I recognize the Father at work.
But I had this idea to start memorizing the Word. So when the waves of anxiety and depression would come, I would run and hide, but instead of cowering in the darkness screaming in fear, I would begin to walk in circles and just quote the Word.
Tomorrow I'll write about the healing chapter. But let me close today by saying that through all of this I learned two major things:
First, the Word will work. That when I don't know what to say or how to pray, when my thoughts are incoherent and yes, when fear and depression seized me, I could begin to speak into my darkness the same creative Word which turned chaos into majesty, and darkness into beauty in Genesis 1. And the Word works. NO, I'm not talking a quick fix. I'm talking healing and restoration. My personal opinion is this is why God took six days to create the worlds. He didn't need six days, but He did so to show us the creative process of His Word.
Second, I learned the Father loves me. That I don't need to impress Him. He sees my private thoughts and attitudes, and while He will faithfully address those areas which frustrate His purpose in me, the truth is that even through this, He is proving how much He loves me.
Amen.
Father, today I thank You for being my Father. I thank You for the power of Your Word. I thank You for not allow me to bury and ignore the issue which will ultimately strip me of my power and rob me of my potential, and that even in the dark, Your presence is there.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Thursday December 14
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Today I am being intentionally grateful for the many prayers He answered conceding my brother a few years back. My "big brother", W.T., had a heart attack, complete heart failure. He spent weeks in the hospital in Portland, Maine - and then was transferred to Brigham & Women's Hospital in Boston, where he was for several months, qualifying and waiting on a heart transplant.
And as God seems to always do - at the right moment, a heart came available. Several weeks later my brother was finally able to return home.
It has been several years now, and thankfully the hand of the Father continues to rest upon my brother. On a daily basis, I pray blessing, restoration and healing upon him, believing that this is God's good and perfect will for him. (Romans 12:2)
I love you, Bub. I am grateful for you, your influence in my life - and for the Father's blessing upon yours.
Today Father, I thank you for the many prayers You heard and answered in behalf of my brother. I thank You how that You never cease to amaze us, and continually prove to us how much You are for us (Romans 8:31), and how eager You are to show Yourself strong in our behalf (2 Chronicles 16:9)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday December 14
It was Christmas. Tammy and I had been dating for over a year. We were talking about forever, though very cautiously I will admit.
It was Christmas. My favorite time of the year, life was as I thought it should be. I was laying on my parents' sofa watching the Christmas tree lights through squinted eyes (I know I'm not the only one who does this) -- :) -- everything was "picture perfect" - or so I thought.
In the next few minutes everything changed. I found out that a vicious lie had been told -- by people and to people who had a whole lot more influence than I had ever hoped to have. What I was accused of was beyond absurd - but it had been told and repeated with absolute authority - even with that righteous sounding tag: "The Lord told me this..."
I am aware that people saying things about you is just part of life. And for the most part I have the attitude that if they're talking about you, then they've chosen a good subject to talk about :).
But when the lies are vicious and told by people of influence and position and with spiritual sounding purpose - it can knock the wind out of your sails, leave you feel vulnerable and violated.
I will not tell you that I responded correctly. That would be a complete lie. I was hurt, angry - downright mad. And to make matters worse, I had to see those who had said these things every time I went to church.
I am grateful that during this time amazing friends came to my defense. The old adage about a friend who is your friend when you're in need -- is a friend indeed -- is so true. There are no words to express how much I continue to love and cherish their friendship.
However, my attitude was horrible. I stood on the platform each service, front row center of the choir - staring them down, glaring - and hate to say it, if they had dropped dead I probably would have rejoiced right there. I was right, they were wrong, and they needed to pay for what they had done.
By experience I can tell you that hate will consume you before you know it. Hate and bitterness will wrap you like a shroud and bind you more than any straightjacket. And worst of all, it will isolate you from the presence of the One whose love and forgiveness and healing you are so desperately needing.
One Sunday night - standing in the choir staring down my accusers - and feeling so lonely and isolate from the presence of God -- I do not remember the song the choir was singing, but in the middle of the song, the Father brought back the lyrics of another song:
At that moment I knew I had to make a decision. I could hold onto my justifiable anger and hatred - and as a result continue to be bound and isolated from the presence of God. OR I could release the anger and the hurt into the faithful hands of the Father and choose to worship Him -- because regardless of who had done what against me He had never failed me or let me down.
Fortunately I chose the second option. I began to worship, releasing everything I had been holding onto. And immediately, His presence swept over me. I felt the embrace of everlasting arms, and the confidence in His absolute sovereignty.
It was not overnight, but in time I saw the Father transform that ugly chapter into astounding blessing. Those who had hurt me so deeply became some of my strongest supporters. As much as I had been wounded by them, they became the source of great blessing and strength. Only God.
Father, I thank You for the power of forgiveness, that as I chose to forgive those who have offended me, in my being forgiving, I find your forgiveness.
I thank You for the power of worship and praise. That no matter how things look, because You inhabit my praise, I can always encourage myself in the Lord (Psalm 22:3; 1 Samuel 30:6)
Thank You for turning mourning into dancing and sorrow into Joy over and over and over again. (Psalm 30:11)
Today, I worship You because You are YOU :)
It was Christmas. My favorite time of the year, life was as I thought it should be. I was laying on my parents' sofa watching the Christmas tree lights through squinted eyes (I know I'm not the only one who does this) -- :) -- everything was "picture perfect" - or so I thought.
In the next few minutes everything changed. I found out that a vicious lie had been told -- by people and to people who had a whole lot more influence than I had ever hoped to have. What I was accused of was beyond absurd - but it had been told and repeated with absolute authority - even with that righteous sounding tag: "The Lord told me this..."
I am aware that people saying things about you is just part of life. And for the most part I have the attitude that if they're talking about you, then they've chosen a good subject to talk about :).
But when the lies are vicious and told by people of influence and position and with spiritual sounding purpose - it can knock the wind out of your sails, leave you feel vulnerable and violated.
I will not tell you that I responded correctly. That would be a complete lie. I was hurt, angry - downright mad. And to make matters worse, I had to see those who had said these things every time I went to church.
I am grateful that during this time amazing friends came to my defense. The old adage about a friend who is your friend when you're in need -- is a friend indeed -- is so true. There are no words to express how much I continue to love and cherish their friendship.
However, my attitude was horrible. I stood on the platform each service, front row center of the choir - staring them down, glaring - and hate to say it, if they had dropped dead I probably would have rejoiced right there. I was right, they were wrong, and they needed to pay for what they had done.
By experience I can tell you that hate will consume you before you know it. Hate and bitterness will wrap you like a shroud and bind you more than any straightjacket. And worst of all, it will isolate you from the presence of the One whose love and forgiveness and healing you are so desperately needing.
One Sunday night - standing in the choir staring down my accusers - and feeling so lonely and isolate from the presence of God -- I do not remember the song the choir was singing, but in the middle of the song, the Father brought back the lyrics of another song:
Praise the Lord, He can work through those who praise Him
Praise the Lord, for our God inhabits praise
Praise the Lord, for the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you
They drop powerless behind you
When you praise Him!
At that moment I knew I had to make a decision. I could hold onto my justifiable anger and hatred - and as a result continue to be bound and isolated from the presence of God. OR I could release the anger and the hurt into the faithful hands of the Father and choose to worship Him -- because regardless of who had done what against me He had never failed me or let me down.
Fortunately I chose the second option. I began to worship, releasing everything I had been holding onto. And immediately, His presence swept over me. I felt the embrace of everlasting arms, and the confidence in His absolute sovereignty.
It was not overnight, but in time I saw the Father transform that ugly chapter into astounding blessing. Those who had hurt me so deeply became some of my strongest supporters. As much as I had been wounded by them, they became the source of great blessing and strength. Only God.
Father, I thank You for the power of forgiveness, that as I chose to forgive those who have offended me, in my being forgiving, I find your forgiveness.
I thank You for the power of worship and praise. That no matter how things look, because You inhabit my praise, I can always encourage myself in the Lord (Psalm 22:3; 1 Samuel 30:6)
Thank You for turning mourning into dancing and sorrow into Joy over and over and over again. (Psalm 30:11)
Today, I worship You because You are YOU :)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13
I guess all this remembering about singing as a child has caused other memories to surface and to dominate my moments of intentional gratitude.
I was just 4 when because my dad's job transferred him, our family moved from the family farm 60 miles away. This meant a whole new life for our family - new neighbors, schools, friends -- new church.
However, you can't detach yourself from your roots. That sandy hill on the farm and the millions of warm memories of extended family still has a connection deep within us - for which I am sincerely grateful.
It was "back in Haynesville" - that when I was around the age of 5 that Dad stood me behind the pulpit in one of those horrible wooden folding chairs, for me to sing in church for the very first time. He and I sang the old Gaither hymn "He Touched Me". I think I remember the instability of that chair more than anything else :)
It was my Dad's way of passing on his passion for worship to us, to prompt us to use our gifts, whatever they may be - to entertain the presence of God and to lead others into worship as well.
I know you'll find it difficult to believe, but as a child I just sang ALL the time :)
However my favorite place to sing was in the backyard swing. Swinging and Singing just seemed to go together. And the best part was that the swing was just outside my sisters' window. So not only did I enjoy singing, I especially enjoyed serenading them (even though they were not appreciative of my early morning encore performances :)
It was here in the backyard swing that around the age of 8, I sung my way into the presence of God. Sensing His presence was nothing new. Singing in the backyard swing was routine for me. But feeling His presence overwhelm me while singing in the backyard swing - that was extraordinary.
I remember getting out of the swing and began walking around the backyard - not real sure what I was suppose to do. If I had been in church or during a family prayer time, I would have known how to respond. But here in the backyard, alone - I was so unsure of what my proper response was suppose to be.
I walked over to Dad's BBQ pit - placed my hands on the ledge - and suddenly I experienced something I had never known before. This may sound sensational or even far-fetched for some, but in that moment the Father allowed me to "see" myself ministering before a large congregation in a building I had never seen. It would be another 13 years before I would accept my call into ministry, but in that moment, the Father allowed me a glimpse of the plans He had for me.
The truth is that I have yet to see the fulfillment of that glimpse. However, I am confident that He who began the good work in me is faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6) At times when I am overwhelmed with the "whys" and the "hows" of my current chapter, the Father takes me back to that backyard moment and reminds me that He is still perfecting what concerns me (Psalm 138:8) and that even though I do not know how or when, He will fulfill His good pleasure in me (Philippians 2:13)
Today, Father I thank You for that backyard glimpse into my destiny.
I thank You for being faithful in keeping all Your promises. I thank You that according to 2 Corinthians 1:20 that all Your promises are YES, and today I speak the AMEN in response to Your faithful promises in my own life.
I was just 4 when because my dad's job transferred him, our family moved from the family farm 60 miles away. This meant a whole new life for our family - new neighbors, schools, friends -- new church.
However, you can't detach yourself from your roots. That sandy hill on the farm and the millions of warm memories of extended family still has a connection deep within us - for which I am sincerely grateful.
It was "back in Haynesville" - that when I was around the age of 5 that Dad stood me behind the pulpit in one of those horrible wooden folding chairs, for me to sing in church for the very first time. He and I sang the old Gaither hymn "He Touched Me". I think I remember the instability of that chair more than anything else :)
It was my Dad's way of passing on his passion for worship to us, to prompt us to use our gifts, whatever they may be - to entertain the presence of God and to lead others into worship as well.
I know you'll find it difficult to believe, but as a child I just sang ALL the time :)
However my favorite place to sing was in the backyard swing. Swinging and Singing just seemed to go together. And the best part was that the swing was just outside my sisters' window. So not only did I enjoy singing, I especially enjoyed serenading them (even though they were not appreciative of my early morning encore performances :)
It was here in the backyard swing that around the age of 8, I sung my way into the presence of God. Sensing His presence was nothing new. Singing in the backyard swing was routine for me. But feeling His presence overwhelm me while singing in the backyard swing - that was extraordinary.
I remember getting out of the swing and began walking around the backyard - not real sure what I was suppose to do. If I had been in church or during a family prayer time, I would have known how to respond. But here in the backyard, alone - I was so unsure of what my proper response was suppose to be.
I walked over to Dad's BBQ pit - placed my hands on the ledge - and suddenly I experienced something I had never known before. This may sound sensational or even far-fetched for some, but in that moment the Father allowed me to "see" myself ministering before a large congregation in a building I had never seen. It would be another 13 years before I would accept my call into ministry, but in that moment, the Father allowed me a glimpse of the plans He had for me.
The truth is that I have yet to see the fulfillment of that glimpse. However, I am confident that He who began the good work in me is faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6) At times when I am overwhelmed with the "whys" and the "hows" of my current chapter, the Father takes me back to that backyard moment and reminds me that He is still perfecting what concerns me (Psalm 138:8) and that even though I do not know how or when, He will fulfill His good pleasure in me (Philippians 2:13)
Today, Father I thank You for that backyard glimpse into my destiny.
I thank You for being faithful in keeping all Your promises. I thank You that according to 2 Corinthians 1:20 that all Your promises are YES, and today I speak the AMEN in response to Your faithful promises in my own life.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 12
I spent today with three families at two different hospitals. Facing the unknown, the unexplained and the unexpected is never easy for anyone. However, I have to admit that I asked "WHY" did these families have to face these chapters during the Christmas Season.
The answer is simply - this is what Christmas is all about.
Christmas is not about shiny packages and tinsel and nostalgic warm and fuzzy feelings.
Since that first night so long ago when Grace and Mercy came into our world through the backdoor of a stable -- Christmas has always been about bringing peace into confusion, hope into chaos, love into despair, light into darkness, and His presence into our present.
If Christmas doesn't work in the face of the unknown, the unexplained and the unexpected, Christmas doesn't work. But the good news is that because God became Emmanuel, Christmas does work. Christmas means that God is on location, God is WITH US right now, right where we are -- in the big middle of whatever we may be going through.
Merry Christmas.
Today, Father, I thank You that when I don't have answers to the questions overwhelming the hearts and minds of those around me - I thank you that I have YOU. That You are the only answer we need.
Thank You for coming to be WITH US.
Amen!
The answer is simply - this is what Christmas is all about.
Christmas is not about shiny packages and tinsel and nostalgic warm and fuzzy feelings.
Since that first night so long ago when Grace and Mercy came into our world through the backdoor of a stable -- Christmas has always been about bringing peace into confusion, hope into chaos, love into despair, light into darkness, and His presence into our present.
If Christmas doesn't work in the face of the unknown, the unexplained and the unexpected, Christmas doesn't work. But the good news is that because God became Emmanuel, Christmas does work. Christmas means that God is on location, God is WITH US right now, right where we are -- in the big middle of whatever we may be going through.
Merry Christmas.
Today, Father, I thank You that when I don't have answers to the questions overwhelming the hearts and minds of those around me - I thank you that I have YOU. That You are the only answer we need.
Thank You for coming to be WITH US.
Amen!
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