From Saturday December 16

The months seemed eternal.  While the attacks seemed to lessen in their longevity, they were still as frequent and still as terrifying.  I did not know what was happening, or why, or if or when this season would ever end.

But I did find His Word worked.  That when the fear and the depression overwhelmed me, that when I began to quote His Word, speak it out loud with as much confidence I could generate, the attacks would ease and the depression would lift.

However, after six months of relentless attacks, I had reached the end of my proverbial rope.
That Sunday night the choir sang "Daystar", which I sang the solo.  I stood behind the grand piano, literally holding onto the piano to keep from collapsing, singing "Lead me, Lord, I'll follow anywhere You open up the door" - but inside I was screaming:  God, I can't do this any more.  If you don't help me now I don't now what I am going to do.

I wept uncontrollably.  The congregation thought I was anointed.  They had no clue as to what was actually taking place.

The bad news is that in the next 12 hours I would hit a new low.
The good news is that in that next 12 hours I would also be completely healed and restored.

I would lose control of my anger of people saying things that did not work.
And in my anger, I would find the healing rebuke of the Father revealing yet another area of which I desperately needed to surrender to Him.

And in that moment of surrender, I found healing.
It wasn't at an altar or in a sanctuary.  It was behind a lawnmower in my parents' front yard.  But as I mowed out my frustrations I found myself enveloped in His presence for the first time in months.  I cannot explain how it felt.  But I knew I was "home", that though the journey had been long, it was worth the trip.  And though I would never ever want to go through that season again, I will readily admit it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I learned that in my flesh there is no good thing (Romans 7:18)
I learned that nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:38-39)
I learned that when I am faithless He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:13)
I learned to stop judging books by their covers - that no matter how things may appear, there is always more to everyone's story than what can be seen on the surface.

And today I express my gratitude for His love, His faithfulness, and for His working all things together for my good